Big Boss's List: Things Venom Snake is No Longer Allowed to Do
by Joseph Howler
Summary: An MGSV fic based loosely on "Skippy's List." Venom Snake has done some weird things over the game and the Diamond Dogs are getting irritated.


Big Boss's List

Things Venom Snake is no longer allowed to do in the Diamond Dogs

Blackhawk helicopter "Pequod," 1984

Snake looked out the window at the shrinking Mother Base and opened up his iDroid. An alert for a new intel file from Kaz popped up. Snake opened it, not having an immediate mission.

Boss,

Ocelot and I have been reviewing some of the details from your missions and been talking with members of the Diamond Dogs. We decided that we have some issues with some of your actions and have made a list. For the sake of the Diamond Dogs, you are no longer allowed to do any of the following,

Your codename is "Punished/Venom Snake," not "Manly McBeefington."

The proper response to a Diamond Dog saluting you is NOT "Run up and punch their lights out with your bionic arm."

Not even if they thank you when they wake up.

"Miller's Maxi Buns" is the name of a fast food chain, not a porno.

Soldiers extracted with the Wormhole Fulton are not "being abducted by aliens."

While stacking dead/unconscious enemies is practical, arranging them in suggestive or embarrassing ways is unnecessary and immature.

Stop making fun of Ocelot for that meowing thing he did back in the '60s, "Rocket Puuuunch!" Snake.

You cannot lock Eli in the brig for "being rude."

The R&D Team will not make a Fulton attachment that gives enemy soldiers "wedgies" as they are extracted.

Despite "Diamond Dogs" being the same name as an album of his, we cannot sue David Bowie.

The Phantom Cigar does not contain THC and the R&D Team will not make a version that does.

Not even if you honor the "Puff-puff-pass" rule.

As an amputee, you should realize how insensitive it is to tell Kaz, "High five! Oh right. . ."

The Chicken Hat works BECAUSE it looks ridiculous. If you don't want to wear it, don't get spotted as often.

Stop making fun of Huey's son for being named after the killer AI from "2001: A Space Odyssey." That kid has enough problems being related to Emmerich.

There is nobody in the Support Unit with the codename "Sugar Daddy."

And nobody in the Medical Team has the codename "Dr. Feelgood."

We are not making recruitment posters that appeal to mankind's baser instincts.

Not even if Quiet agrees to pose for them.

Despite having the iDroid and Wormhole Fulton, we don't have the technology to make Soliton Radar, do not ask why.

We don't have the technology to make chaff grenades either, do not ask why.

We don't have the technology to make NIKITA launchers either, DO NOT ASK WHY.

You cannot send forces attacking a FOB away to get "a shrubbery."

Nor can you command them to destroy a guard post "with a herring."

You are neither the captain of the _Normandy _or the first human Spectre.

It is counterproductive to tell enemy soldiers they're getting "warmer" or "colder" while you're hiding.

Stop chuckling at the possibility that one of the enemy soldiers left his wallet in the truck you just fultoned. It rarely happens and does nothing for our GMP.

Code Talker will not teach you how to swear in Navajo, stop asking.

Not allowed to chew gum on Mother Base, unless you have enough for everyone.

None of the soldiers cremated and made into diamonds was named "Neil."

Training D Dog to distract guards by asking for "belly rubs" is a stupid idea.

That piece of shrapnel in your head does not make you a unicorn.

You are not getting info from the Intel team on your fillings.

Stop telling Eli that he sucks because of "recessive genes." He won't stop whining about it and that's not how genetics works anyway.

A Diamond Dogs soldier with two halves of a coconut is not an acceptable substitute for D Horse.

Trust the Intel team more than "The Force."

We cannot send you on a mission to extract the president out of New York.

You cannot shoot Volgin's corpse "for that crotch grab in '64."

The Combat Unit does not have a "Redshirt" squad for suicide missions.

We cannot develop a Defense Unit of "sharks with frickin' laser beams."

Grow up and stop hitting enemies in the groin with the rocket arm.

Interrogate enemies for Intel, not blackmail.

No matter how many times you do it, the Leeroy Jenkins Strategy gets you a game over.

You cannot spend GMP on "magic beans."

The Decoys are not responsible for any of your decisions.

There are no dialogue options to romance Quiet. Or Paz. Or Kaz.

Stop blaming your Game Overs on "Lack of Depth Perception."

The R&D Team will not develop a jetpack, no matter how much you beg.

"It's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" no longer applies to you.

We will not reword mission briefings to sound like an ancient prophecy.

You can sleep, the clowns won't eat you.

You're supposed to collect cassette tapes with music, not challenge soldiers to "a dance battle."

We will not try to send you back in time to "terminate" Skullface or Zero. Time Paradoxes are a pain to deal with.

The Stealth Camo is for infiltrating, not making soldiers think the base is haunted.

Underpants Gnomes don't exist and you can't send them on missions to disrupt enemy operations.

The Medical Team is not authorized to prescribe Viagra.

While we can make rounds with tranquilizers, we won't make rounds with laxatives. One Johnny Sasaki is enough.

Just because you can infiltrate at night doesn't mean you can call yourself "The Nightman."

We cannot give you Adamantium claws.

You cannot give sleeping soldiers a "Dutch Oven."

We have never been at war with Eastasia. Nor with Eurasia.

We cannot build an "Angry Dome" on Mother Base, even if Kaz could use one.

Ocelot does not appreciate you telling new recruits how much of a dweeb he was during Operation Snake Eater.

D Walker will not be gaining sentience anytime.

You are to say, "The target has moved locations," not "the princess is in another castle."

Stop calling us on the radio to sing, "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. . ."

There is not a vehicle called "the Snakemobile," nor will there ever be.

We will not make you a Batman outfit.

Stop blaming the Internet connection to the server for sending us into the red. Just stop spending GMP on stupid things like the Water Pistol.

The Metal Gear we recovered is called "Sahelanthropus," not "Megatron."

Snake changed pages on his iDroid to the Side Ops list. He gave the order to fly to Afghanistan.

"Are we there yet?"


End file.
